FIRST PERSON EXCEPTIONAL - The Secret Only Successful Authors Know

Books Aren’t Published – A Stork Brings Them
 It’s lies I tell you –all lies. Like most pitiful unpublished authors I keep going to lectures by authors who are published thinking that I will be giving the keys to the kingdom, the magic talisman, the secret formula … or at least some vague but useful hint.
Just as I believed that discovering dad’s tattered Playboy magazines would somehow elevate me to the sexual illuminati.
Oh no, my friends, such precious knowledge is not for the hoi polloi. You might just as well ask a Republican first lady to explain doggie style.
Instead, you get the most clichéd, formulaic fiction of all: The Proper Way to Get Published.  According to this little fantasy, the aspirant author must:
1.    Write a truly fabulous novel. Not that this writer or any other author, publisher or agent can tell you what makes a novel truly fabulous, except that it must have a daring new outlook and be written in a distinctive new voice … as long as it fits neatly in a clearly established genre, is exactly 92,568 words and you can provide a lengthy list of identically daring and fresh best-selling books that are just like yours – except that yours is entirely fresh and different.
2.    Then you send out query letters to eager agents so that you can expound on all the wonderful and unique things about you and your magnum opus … in four sentences. Okay, six sentences, but only if you’re describing a three book package.
3.      Repeat step1 and 2, ad nauseum, until in due course (due course is currently running somewhere upwind of a half dozen years) you get a positive response and a human being, other than your mother, will actually read a few pages of your work.
 
One might be forgiven at this point in the lecture for suddenly remembering an elective root canal procedure one had meant to schedule ; but don’t.
 You must regard the talk up to this point as a meaningless yet required traditional component.  Remember the old compulsory school figures at Olympic ice-skating competition - back before the French tournament judge revolutionized the sport of figure skating by taking bribes.
We have indeed just now arrived at the real heart of the discourse. For your entertainment and enlightenment, the lecturing author will demonstrate their literary virtuosity by gracefully switching to first-person-exceptional.
If your creative writing class omitted first-person-exceptional in your studies on points-of-view (or points-of-narration if you were in an advanced class), this is easily explained. Highly successful authors  are too busy doing talk shows and having lunch with Oprah to teach writing, and they are the only people who know, or even need to know, first-person-exceptional . This literary voice is reserved exclusively for writers giving talks on how to get published to use for explaining why none of the afore mentioned process they just explained actually applied to their particular case. Instead, they will now describe a process which has no possible application to any other person living or dead.
Taking the current lecture as an example, and applying it as a working template:
I should get a job as a senior news writer for a major television network. Then, wait a decade or so until a national anchor like Dan Rather says, “hey kid, you write good.” Then I sit on the curb and cry like a baby; quit my job and buy a horse ranch. Then I will patiently wait until a publisher – who I don’t know from Adam’s housecat – brings me a story idea and asks me to write it for them.
Okay, sounds like a plan. I’ll start in the morning.

It makes about as much sense as using the New Testament as a fertility handbook:
 
Let’s see now, I’ve rented a manger, got some cows and sheep, and hired a virgin. Just as soon as that star pops up in the East, it’s baby time.
 
Don’t laugh! It worked once and it did result in a best-seller.

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